Squidward's Sexy Time Rewritten
by Kill-of-la-Hill
Summary: In a rewrite of one of the greatest fanfictions in fanfiction history, SpongeBob and Squidward get intimate. Please note that I did indeed get permission from the original author to make this.
1. The Sexiness Begins

It was another day in Bikini Bottom, and Squidward was playing his dildo clarinet. He removed it from his ass and began to make horrid music with it. Outside, someone was annoyed.

"Hey, could you keep it down? I'm trying to enjoy a walk on this day!" a generic background fish said.

"Well sorry that I'm trying to enjoy my Sunday pleasure!" Squidward angrily replied.

Squidward got back to playing, but he started to choke on the crap that was on his clarinet. He then heard a knock on the door. The knock had startled him so much, he swallowed the crap and tried to prepare himself. He placed his clarinet off to the side, and hurriedly put on a shirt as he ran to the door. It was Spongebob. Squidward didn't know why, but he was glad to see Spongebob today.

"How's it going, Squid buddy?" SpongeBob asked.

"Heh.. pretty good!" Squidward awkwardly responded.

Squidward looked down. His boner was getting pretty big. The next thing he knew, it was poking SpongeBob's eye.

Squidward was expecting a negative reaction, but instead SpongeBob was amazed.

"Squidward, I didn't know you had a seventh tentacle!" SpongeBob joyfully cheered.

"That's not a tentacle! It's my…"

"Your what?"

Squidward was afraid to confess. He felt that SpongeBob was too innocent. Squidward felt he should tell the truth, especially now that he had gotten to a point where lying was nearly impossible.

"It's my penis!" Squidward shouted.

"Well why didn't you say so! I have 47 holes on my body!" SpongeBob replied. "We could become fuck buddies!"

Squidward wasn't sure how he should feel. Up until now, he had felt that SpongeBob was an innocent, childlike being, only now to learn that SpongeBob was rather excited at the fact that Squidward and him could have sex.

"Well… it depends… do you want to… you know… get intimate?" Squidward asked.

Remember kids. Always ask for consent before sex. Also, if you are a kid, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU READING THIS FANFIC? GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THINGS GET UGLY!

Anyway, back to writing.

"Well of course I do! Just let me get ready," SpongeBob said.

Patrick's rock opened, revealing Patrick drinking a soda. He did a spit take as he saw SpongeBob taking off his pants and Squidward putting on a condom.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Patrick yelled.

"Patrick, Squidward and I are about to have sex! Do you want to join?" SpongeBob said to Patrick.

"Why of course I'm in for a threesome! I didn't want to wear pants today anyway!" Patrick responded.

Alas, the trio had been formed. All were glad, smiling, and pantsless. Squidward invited them all inside, where they all got onto Squidward's bed, and rapidly fucked each other. Heck, it wasn't even just on the bed. The ended up fucking all over the house. Squidward wondered though, how many of SpongeBob's holes could he stick his penis in at once? SpongeBob and Squidward agreed to the challenge, and Squidward began attempting to fuck all of SpongeBob's 47 holes at once. He started by putting his extra "tentacle" in SpongeBob's mouth, and looped it around several of SpongeBob's other holes. However, Squidward got a boner, and his penis snapped.

The next day, Squidward woke up in the hospital. Dr. Gill Gilliam, SpongeBob and Patrick were all standing around him.

"What's going on?" Squidward asked.

Dr. Gill Gilliam responded. "Your penis got horribly fractured yesterday when you and SpongeBob were playing sex games. We tried to see if we could replace it, but no one was willing to donate any inches, so we had to do what we must. We had to give you a vagina instead."


	2. The Vagina Surgery

Squidward made it home and crawled into a fetal position. He wasn't sure what to do. Squidward was always used to having a penis, and the extra tentacle being removed from him felt awful. Nonetheless, Squidward eventually tried to think of the positives. He now could find many new ways to have sex. Heck, there were many new ways to masturbate as well! He started sticking his tentacles up his new genitals, and he begun to laugh. He did not know one thing however.

The vagina surgery had gone horribly wrong.

He began rapidly spewing ink cum, as it began to fill up the room. However, he didn't notice, since he was having so much fun masturbating. Large puddles of ink cum were all over everything, as it began piling up. By the end of the day, the inevitable had happened. Squidward drowned in his own ink cum.

The next morning, SpongeBob had arrived at his house, bringing Patrick with him. SpongeBob knocked on the door.

"Oh Squidward, do you want to have sex again? I've never fucked a vagina before, and I'd love to try out some new experiences!" SpongeBob said.

There was no response.

SpongeBob knocked again. "Are you in there? Is everything okay?"

Still no response.

SpongeBob opened the door. Squidward had forgot to lock it. SpongeBob walked up the stairs with Patrick following, and when he opened up the door, all the cum came rushing out. He saw his pal and sexual partner Squidward laying dead atop of the bed. SpongeBob was surprised to see the sad truth that came to be.

"Well, there's no point in fucking a dead corpse," SpongeBob said. "At least I still have you, pal!" He said to Patrick.

"Good thing I forgot to wear pants today!" Patrick said.

Patrick bent down, and SpongeBob started fucking him rapidly, like he did Squidward before the incident. Constantly, they traded places. But without a third partner, life became a bit less fun. However, Patrick still had ideas.

"I made a new game! It's called fuck the bottle! It's like spin the bottle, but instead of spinning it, you fuck it. Let me demonstrate!" Patrick said, as he stuck his penis inside the hole of the bottle.

As fascinating as it looked, however, Patrick's penis was a bit too big, and as he tried to get it out of the bottle, worse went to worse. Next thing he knew, his dick had been torn off as well.

Patrick was rushed to the hospital, and was given a vagina as well. Once again, flaws in the surgery lead to Patrick's inevitable death. SpongeBob was very worried, so he went to Mr. Krabs for moral support.

"Mr. Krabs, I've been feeling awfully worried lately," SpongeBob said.

"What it be, Sponge me boy?" Mr. Krabs replied.

"After sexual incidents gone horribly wrong, Squidward and Patrick have died due to vagina surgeries and I don't know what to do. With no good friends left to be with, what do I do?" SpongeBob said.

"I don't know, laddy. I fucked a whale once, and all went well, so I've never experienced death by sexiness. You better go see your pal Sandy. She's pretty smart. Hopefully she can talk with you about this."

By the time Mr. Krabs said that, the final customer was leaving the Krusty Krab.

"I thought this was a family restaurant!" she shouted as she walked out the door.

After that, SpongeBob ran to Sandy's Treedome. He put on his helmet, and walked inside. Sandy was preparing a rocket as SpongeBob interrupted.

"Sandy! I'm sorry to interrupt, but recently all of my friends have been dying due to sex games going wrong that lead to a vagina surgery that doesn't work correctly. Do you think you could help?" SpongeBob pleaded.

Sandy gladly replied, "Well there, partner, you've arrived just in time! I was building a rocket that would take us to the planet Titgigantius, where we can find a magic life-restoring object: Golden Dildo."


	3. Titgigantias

The rocket blasted off. Sandy and SpongeBob were inside, looking down at the world below them. SpongeBob was amazed to see all he ever knew get smaller and smaller as he flew into the sky.

"How far away is Titgigantias anyway?" SpongeBob asked.

"About 79 light years, but I added a system to my ship which goes faster than the speed of light!" Sandy replied as she pressed the button.

The universe got pretty messed up for a few seconds, but Sandy hit another button that restored it to sanity. However, SpongeBob was in the mood for some sexual actions. He knew he'd have the Golden Dildo to revive Squidward soon, but how fast would that be?

"Sandy? How much longer do we have on this trip?" SpongeBob questioned.

"About seventeen hours. We need to ensure we land safely and all that jazz," Sandy replied.

SpongeBob wasn't sure if he should ask Sandy if they could have sex. He had never fucked a vagina before, and wasn't sure if he could do it safely. Aside from that, she was a mammal, and he was a… er... sponge. Even if all this was possible, would it be safe to have sex in space? SpongeBob, however, eventually stopped questioning himself, as Squidward seemed to be a long while away.

"Sandy… is it okay if we have sex?" SpongeBob asked.

"Why, gosh, SpongeBob! Of course we can! After all, we've been teasing this relationship since the money-grabbing executives made misleading commercials for "Truth or Square"!" Sandy replied.

"What about the fact we're in space? Wouldn't the gravity effect our sexual actions somehow?" SpongeBob worriedly said.

"Nah, I have artificial gravity installed on this ship," Sandy gladly told SpongeBob.

Sandy began to take off her suit, and SpongeBob removed his squarepants. SpongeBob turned around, only to see something he never thought he'd see. Sandy too had a penis. SpongeBob was shocked. He wouldn't have to worry about the fact he had never fucked a vagina anymore, though the whole mammal thing was still freaking him out, though.

Despite the worries, however, SpongeBob and Sandy did the do together, and…

~Many Hours Later~

SpongeBob and Sandy finished their sexual acts. At one point, they turned off the gravity, and now blobs of cum were floating around in the ship. The planet was very close. It was a beige color, with a large pink crystal temple jutting out the side. It was a fairly large planet, but not big enough for the gravity to become a problem. The ship landed, and Sandy and SpongeBob came out, forgetting to put on any clothes, but the aliens didn't seem to care. They didn't have any clothes either. The aliens had humongous chests and what seemed to be very long penises, but SpongeBob and Sandy weren't so sure. They didn't know alien biology very well.

"Greetings, foreigners," one of the aliens said, "welcome to Titgigantias!"

"Ooh! Well ain't it fancy here!" Sandy said in wonder, as she gazed around the planet.

SpongeBob looked around in wonder, but then got back to his priorities, "Hello, creatures. Sorry to interrupt, but… where can we find the Golden Dildo?"

The aliens responded, "Sorry, Square One, while we do have the Golden Dildo, it will be difficult to obtain. It rests at the top of Mt. Areolus, and while the trip up is difficult, it would be obtainable if it weren't for one thing."

"What would that thing be?" Sandy asked.

One of the aliens gloomily responded. "A penis-eating monster."


	4. The Penis Eating Monster

Sandy and SpongeBob started climbing up Mt. Areolus. It was a tall, tall mountain, and the path was difficult. The road they walked across was narrow, and the two had to keep a tight grip on a small ledge in order to stay on the mountain. After a while, things only got worse. While the road they walked on got ever so slightly wider, the ledge they had to grasp disappeared. SpongeBob and Sandy held hands, but even that couldn't save the porous prism. He fell, only for a sharp crystal to tug on one of the holes in his body.

"SpongeBob!" yelled Sandy. "Are you alright?"

"I think I'll be fine!" SpongeBob shouted in reply. SpongeBob, although usually not so bright. Suddenly had an idea. He situated both his feet on the crystal he was caught on.

"Sandy, grab my penis!" SpongeBob yelled.

SpongeBob would use his hands, but his penis was much longer. Sandy grabbed the end of his dick, and pulled him back up. By the end, a little bit of jizz came out of his spongey cock.

Many meters above, a monster smelled the sponge's semen. It let out its wings and sped downwards. The monster had a phallic head with many sharp teeth. Its body had many spurs, and it had large wings. It was fairly hairy at the end of its long neck, and it had six legs and a long tail. It was what the people of Titgigantias feared.

SpongeBob and Sandy were well up the mountain.

"Ya' see SpongeBob, maybe if we get the monster in its sleep, we can defeat it and steal the golden dildo!" Sandy explained to SpongeBob. Not much longer though, the duo was met with a loud thud. The penis-eating monster laid before them.

The monster let out a roar, right before it tried snapping at SpongeBob's penis. Quickly, SpongeBob pulled his pants back up, and started running.

The path widened, and Sandy and SpongeBob and Sandy were not too far from the cave at the top. The two however, didn't have the stamina they needed, as they started to slow down.

"Do you think we can make it Sandy?" SpongeBob questioned.

"I ain't so sure SpongeBob, but if we speed up, we might be able to find the Golden Dildo," Sandy replied, with a hint of worry in their voice.

SpongeBob and Sandy were almost at the top, only for a shot of fire to create a wall right in front of them. SpongeBob and Sandy stepped backwards, as the penis eating monster laughed.

"I have you right where I want you now!" the Monster screamed. It spoke with a cockney accent.

"We'll never hand you over our penises!" Sandy shrieked as she confidently glared at the beast.

Suddenly, SpongeBob had an idea.

"Sandy, whip out your penis!"

"Why, don't ya' see the penis eating monster right in front of us?"

"Don't you get it, if we cum over the fire, we might be able to put out the fire, and make it to the cave! While it tries to find us, we can think of a plan to defeat it!"

Sandy thought SpongeBob was crazy, but truly, there was not very many other choices. She and SpongeBob started jizzing all over the fire, until there was nothing left, and the pleasurable feeling it gave them let them have enough energy to outrun the monster and hide in the cave. They found a little hole to hide in so they could discuss their methods of putting the penis eating monster to rest.

"I think that its skin didn't seem too wide. If we can carve a sharp enough blade, maybe we can slice its neck and kill the monster." Sandy whispered.

SpongeBob liked the idea, but was worried about where they could find something to make into a blade.

Sandy, however, was a step ahead. She snapped a crystal off the wall and used her powerful squirrel teeth to cut it into a sharp blade.

She was right on time as the monster came back into the cave.

"I know where you are, and you can't hide from me!" the monster yelled.

The monster quickly found SpongeBob and Sandy, and tried snapping its monstrous teeth at their penises, but with its neck so low, Sandy climbed on top, and chopped its head off. The monster fell. Titgigantias was saved.

"Well, that takes care of one problem, but where's the golden dildo?" inquired SpongeBob.

Sandy thought for a moment. She tried checking inside the monster's throat, to see if it ate it, but it wasn't there.

Sandy thought about where she'd keep an all-powerful utensil that could revive anything, and finally came up with a shocking revelation.

"SpongeBob! Look inside the monster's ass! Maybe the Golden Dildo will be there!" Sandy yelled.

SpongeBob ran to the rear end of the monster, and surely enough was able to pull out the Golden Dildo. The wonderful artificial penis shimmered in the sunlight.

"This is great!" SpongeBob exclaimed with glee. "Now we can go back and save Squidward!"

"But… what about me?" Sandy asked.

"What do you mean?" SpongeBob said.

"I thought we had something special! We came to Titgigantias forming this wonderful bond, and this is what you do to me?" Sandy cried, with tears running down her cheeks.

"Well, we came here for the Golden Dildo in the first place! I'm sorry, but this… is my destiny."

Sandy begged for SpongeBob to return, but he continued his walk to the rocket. He went inside, keeping Sandy on Titgigantias, leaving Sandy behind.

"Rocket, take us home!" SpongeBob confidently said.

The rocket blasted away, leaving Sandy in the dust, as SpongeBob looked behind at Titgigantias. He felt bad for leaving Sandy on the place, but he felt that having a good, long life with Squidward was going to be his true fate.

As the rocket sped through space, SpongeBob masturbated as he thought about the future before him, with all the years left to cum.


	5. The Comeback

SpongeBob hung on tightly as the rocket began to make it back to Earth. He saw his familiar blue planet not incredibly far away. Home. However, SpongeBob was no rocket scientist, and he didn't know how to land the thing, so as it plunged into the ocean, his land wasn't exactly the safest imaginable, but alas. He crashed back in the familiar town of Bikini Bottom.

SpongeBob pushed around the rubble of the spacecraft, looking for the Golden Dildo, only to see it glowing in the distance. Without hesitation, SpongeBob ran up to it, and grabbed it. Wishing to have sex once again, he started sprinting towards Squidward's house.

SpongeBob ran so fast, his pants fell off as he ran through town. Everybody saw him, parents covered their childrens' eyes, police ran after him, but SpongeBob was persistent. Finally, he was back at Conch Drive, as he ran inside of Squidward's old Easter Island Head home. SpongeBob didn't visit often, but he knew exactly where Squidward was. He had committed it to his heart. He opened up the door to Squidward's room, Golden Dildo at hand.

"It won't be long now, buddy," SpongeBob said as he forced the Golden Dildo up Squidward's ass.

Suddenly, Squidward's body started shaking. Squidward started levitating, as he begun to let out an intense glow. Between two of his tentacles, another thing that seemed to be a tentacle grew, but it was much, much longer. His eyes opened. Squidward's body lowered to the ground.

"Squidward! You've returned!" SpongeBob cheered, glad to see the sight of his old friend in front of him.

"I guess you could say I _came_ back," Squidward seductively replied. He whipped out his newly-grown 46-inch long penis, and he and SpongeBob started fucking rapidly.

"This is great!" SpongeBob excitedly said. "We can be fuckbuddies once again!"

Squidward, although happy, saw Patrick lying dead on his floor. "What should we do about him?"

SpongeBob thought for a moment. "I kinda want to just be with you, Squiddy o' pal. Maybe we can revive him tomorrow."

Squidward was still worried. He wasn't sure where to keep the Golden Dildo. Most of his room was covered in cum, and he didn't want to get it all sticky.

"I think we should leave this with someone we trust," Squidward said. "They should keep it while we rest at night, so no one could come in and steal it."

"I like the way you think, Squidward!" SpongeBob said. "Mr. Krabs would be excellent with handling it!"

SpongeBob and Squidward walked out to Mr. Krabs's house. They opened the door, and walked up to Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs was surprised to see Squidward alive.

"Where did you come from? I thought you were fucked to death!" Mr. Krabs said in suspicion.

"I was, but my best pal SpongeBob here was able to bring me back to life!" Squidward gladly explained.

"B-but how?"

"We used this!" SpongeBob said as he got out the Golden Dildo.

SpongeBob gave the Golden Dildo to Mr. Krabs.

"Make sure you don't lose this, okay?" SpongeBob said.

"Don't worry, why would I give up something this golden?" Mr. Krabs assured.

SpongeBob and Squidward knew the Golden Dildo was in good hands, so they walked back home. Although they were planning to sleep that night, they couldn't stop themselves from fucking all night long, even though Patrick's dead corpse laid on the ground next to the bed.

The next morning, SpongeBob and Squidward walked back to Mr. Krabs's house, as they caught him pounding his meat with his big meaty claws.

"It's nice to see you this morning, but we're only here for one thing," SpongeBob said.

"Heh… what would that be?" Mr. Krabs asked as he awkwardly shuffled his feet around.

"We want the Golden Dildo," SpongeBob said, as he let out his hands.

Mr. Krabs let out a sigh, since he had to admit to the truth.

"I sold it to some guy from Atlantis."


	6. Atlantis NoPantis

Squidward and SpongeBob were in the middle of an empty field.

"Are you sure this will work?" SpongeBob asked.

"I don't know," Squidward replied, "but it's worth trying."

Squidward got out a mini-fridge and pulled out a replica of the amulet to Atlantis made entirely out of his own frozen cum. He held it to the sky, and as the sun shone down on it, a bus crashed out of the sky. Squidward and SpongeBob boarded the bad CGI bus, as they looked around in the bad CGI interior.

Squidward and SpongeBob knew the bus was powered by song, but neither of them felt like singing. They felt like fucking instead. Squidward and SpongeBob put on a radio with Ninja Sex Party playing in the background, but to their surprise, it wasn't the radio that made the bus reach Atlantis. It was the moans SpongeBob and Squidward emitted during sex that created a wonderful melody, sending the bus to its destination at full speed. By the time they were in Atlantis, they couldn't tell if the white parts of the bus were always that way or if it was actually just covered in cum, but they didn't care. They marched forwards in their quest to get back the Golden Dildo.

Lord Royal Highness opened the door, as he was pleasuring himself by sticking Plankton up his ass.

"Ah, now only if my penis was this big," LRH said as he looked at Plankton. He looked down and saw SpongeBob and Squidward standing before him.

"What are you two fools doing before me?" LRH questioned as he saw the two standing before him, without their pants on.

"We're here to retrieve the Golden Dildo!" SpongeBob yelled as he shook his fist at LRH.

"Hah! You're too late! I've already sucked all the power out of the Golden Dildo… literally…. and split it into seven Chaos Dildos!"

LRH snickered as SpongeBob and Squidward glared at him.

"Well what do we have to do to get them back?" Squidward yelled, "We'll go through anything!"

"Anything, hmm?" LRH mumbled, "well, I know exactly what I'm going to do! You're going to have to relive all of your worst specials, starting with this one!"

LRH trapped SpongeBob and Squidward in a large metal cage, as two large guards with larger dicks came out of a room to carry it.

"Guards, carry them to the arena!" LRH requested. The guards lifted the cage and carried them to the arena.

In the arena, the terrible musical numbers from the special were being blasted at full volume. Several Atlantians stood off to the side, cheering LRH on. LRH removed his pants as he stared at SpongeBob and Squidward.

Squidward started laughing.

"You call that a penis? Squidward joked as he stared at LRH's dick. "Check this out for size!" Squidward shouted as his penis extended and stabbed LRH.

LRH, offended by Squidward's comments, grabbed a trident and stabbed Squidward's long schlong.

Squidward fell. The trident tore off half his penis.

Squidward felt like he was going to lose, until he heard the support of his boyfriend behind him.

"You can do it Squiddy!" SpongeBob screamed. "The Golden Dildo may be gone, but its power is still inside of you!"

Squidward felt SpongeBob's heartwarming comments and rose. "You're right, SpongeBob!" Squidward said. He then took his dick, and focused on the Golden Dildo's power from when it was inside him. His penis regrew, now 100 inches long. Squidward used his penal power to tear his way out of the cage and take on LRH dick first. Squidward whipped out his dick and quite literally, whipped LRH with it.

LRH fell to the floor.

"Your penis may be powerful, but I have my army!" LRH screamed.

LRH whistled, and all the Atlantians came out of their seats. They walked up to Squidward and tried to beat up his dick.

"No…" Squidward whispered, "The only person who can pound my meat is ME!"

Squidward got a boner that knocked all the Atlantians off of him. He then proceeded to drizzle cum all over LRH's feet so he'd be stuck in place.

Squidward then drilled a hole in the floor using his tentacled, and pushed LRH in it.

"Now for you to die in the same way I did!"

Squidward started masturbating filling the pit with his ink cum. LRH tried to swim out, but the cum was weighing him down. LRH could not make it. Next thing he knew, LRH was dead. His body floated up in the cum pool. A bright light started shining, and LRH exploded. The red Chaos Dildo rose where LRH was. Squidward picked it up.

"Well, I guess that we only have six more to go before we can bring Patrick back," SpongeBob said. "But for now, I guess it's just you and me. Whaddya' say, fuckbuddy?" SpongeBob asked.

"Why not?" Squidward said. He and SpongeBob fucked as they walked down towards the sunset. From now on, they knew where they had to go next. SpongeBob and Squidward looked over the horizon, and saw New Kelp City off in the distance. Their next destination wasn't far.


	7. The Bubble Fuckin' Boys

SpongeBob and Squidward walked down the dark, dreary streets of New Kelp City. The streets of the town were empty, for the working hours.

"Are you sure this is where the green Chaos Dildo is?" Squidward asked.

"You heard LRH. We have to relive all of our shitty specials if we want to retrieve the Chaos Dildos and revive Patrick!" SpongeBob beamed.

Squidward continued down the path, as a child looked out the window.

"Hey momma, look! It's CheeseHead!"

The news got spread quickly, and before SpongeBob knew, the previously empty streets were now filled with people. Everyone was glad to see their mayor had returned from an extended vacation.

"Where have you been all these years, CheeseHead?" one fish asked.

"Why did you betray us?"

SpongeBob was surprised to see everyone recognized him.

"I thought my bubble legislation destroyed this town!" SpongeBob said.

"It did, but without a leader, we descended into anarchy as quickly as possible. We need a leader. We need someone to help us when we are down. We need a CheeseHead."

"Well gee," SpongeBob admitted, "as nice as it would be to be a mayor again, I have a destiny. A destiny to find the green Chaos Dildo in this town, and use it to fuck Patrick back to life!"

"Well if sex is what you want, just be our mayor! You can have all the fame, fortune, and sex that you want."

Squidward and SpongeBob stared at each other. Squidward felt that he needed someone to help him, but he realized that truly, this life may be better for SpongeBob.

"I'm sorry," SpongeBob said, "but I have a destiny to fulfill as mayor of this town."

SpongeBob was carried away in a limo as the town cheered, leaving Squidward completely alone. Squidward sobbed a little, now knowing that he would be all alone in retrieving the green Chaos Dildo. But alas, he walked down the street, masturbating now and then to relieve the pain. Squidward, while grabbing his dick, saw a group of shadowy figures in the distance.

They had black jackets and greasy hair. They were all big and buff, and they looked like they belonged in a yaoi fanfiction. They snapped as they walked towards Squidward. Squidward was worried that these guys were going to give him more troubles.

"Please don't hurt me! My life is already awful as it is!" Squidward pleaded as they stood around him.

"Hurt you?" a member said. The gang began to chuckle. "Why would we hurt a specimen as majestic as you? We could hear you masturbating from a mile away! Clearly, you are perfect for our gang."

"Huh?"

"We're the Bubble Fuckin' Boys, and we are the most literal fuckers in town. We've been needing a new member lately, and we think you'd be perfect. I mean, look at your penis! It's a hundred inches long! Clearly there is no one more fit for this job than you!"

"Wait, what do you guys fuck?" Squidward questioned.

"We don't call ourselves the Bubble Fuckin' Boys for nothin'! We fuck bubbles! But occasionally, we like to fuck each other."

Squidward was sad that he had lost SpongeBob, but this still seemed like a good deal. He could fuck both bubbles and big beefy men! It was an amazing offer! Squidward accepted the offer, and became a new Bubble Fuckin' Boy.

Meanwhile, at city hall, SpongeBob was sipping a martini while fucking a gay hooker. His secretary came in on him, with a very important request.

"CheeseHead, we've found a gang of hooligans that need to be eradicated," the secretary warned.

"Really? Tell me about 'em," SpongeBob said, as he finished off his martini.

"They are called the Bubble Fuckin' Boys, and they are really messing up our town's economy. They believe bubbles should only be used for pleasure, rather than more practical causes."

SpongeBob interrupted, "I don't blame them, have you ever fucked a bubble before? It's a pretty magical experience. Once I knew this guy called Bubble Buddy and-"

"Okay, I don't want details. All I'm saying is that maybe you should give them a stern talking to," the secretary replied.

SpongeBob reluctantly got out of his position, and got in his limo, preparing to go to the deep alleys of town to find this gang.

In the alleyway, Squidward and the boys were making bubbles out of their own cum, in an attempt to fuck. Squidward blew some pretty big ones.

"Man oh man, where did you learn how to blow bubbles like that?" said Trevor.

"My ol' pal SpongeBob taught me! If only he was here to see me…" Squidward reminisced.

Suddenly, a long white limo stopped by the alleyway. Out stepped a man shaped like a block of cheese.

"SpongeBob?" Squidward screamed.

"Squidward?" SpongeBob said.

The two looked at each other in their new positions. As well as they knew each other, they seemed like completely different people.

"I can't believe we've gotten so distant in just a few hours…" Squidward said.

SpongeBob wanted to tell Squidward the truth, but he couldn't. SpongeBob didn't think Squidward's antics should be illegal. He looked up at the huge cum bubble.

"Squidward, did you make this?" SpongeBob asked.

Squidward nodded his head.

"It's beautiful…" SpongeBob replied.

Suddenly, the ground shook. The sheer amount of love and friendship, and quite possibly boners, made the green Chaos Dildo erupt from the Earth below.

Squidward shoved the green Chaos Dildo up his ass, alongside the red one.

"Squidward, I came here because my secretary wanted me to disband your group, but I don't think I can," SpongeBob said.

"Does this town need a mayor?" Squidward asked, wondering if they could continue this journey.

"Let the gay hooker take office," SpongeBob said, "I'd rather be with you, Squiddy."

SpongeBob and Squidward got a motorcycle from the Bubble Fuckin' Boys, and started heading back out to Bikini Bottom. The BFBs waved goodbye, as they continued to fuck the bubble, as well as each other.


	8. SpongeBob and Squidward Get Fired

After a long, long walk, SpongeBob and Squidward looked over the horizon. Right in front of them was their old home: Bikini Bottom. As the two walked through town, people were surprised to see how long Squidward's penis was. It was honestly kinda scary. However, after all the hard work with beating up LRH and fucking bubbles, SpongeBob and Squidward decided that they'd be back at the Krusty Krab.

However, not all was quite as usual as expected.

Mr. Krabs burst in through the door. SpongeBob wasn't sure what it was, but something looked off about Mr. Krabs.

"SpongeBob me boy, where've ya' been?" Mr. Krabs shouted.

"Me and Squidward have been having the most magical sexperience of our lives!" SpongeBob giggled.

"Sexperiences? We ain't got no time for that! You gotta earn me money so I can gloat in capitalist fame!" Mr. Krabs responded. "That's it SpongeBob! Ye're fired! And Squidward is too!"

"Huh?" Squidward uttered. He looked up from his boat as Mr. Krabs kept ranting on.

"YE'RE ALL FIRED! NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS MY KRUSTY KRAB WITH MY RULES! I'M KICKING YOU OUT, AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!"

Mr. Krabs let out a maniacal laugh.

"Well fine!" Squidward rebutted. "You sold the Golden Dildo anyway! We can go on without you!"

Squidward handed Mr. Krabs his cash and marched off. SpongeBob followed Squidward, but was still confused. Something just didn't feel right about Mr. Krabs, but SpongeBob couldn't put his finger on it.

Squidward kept rambling on, "I never liked that lousy crab anyway! C'mon, SpongeBob, I saw a Help Wanted sign at the Subway downtown. Maybe we could get some work there instead."

Squidward stomped off to the Subway, and soon enough, he and SpongeBob had jobs there.

SpongeBob and Squidward sat behind the counter.

"Are you ready?" Squidward asked.

"I'm ready!" SpongeBob replied.

SpongeBob and Squidward were glad that they could get another job in the fast food industry.

"Oh look, there's our first customer!" Squidward said.

Bubble Bass approached the duo at the counter.

"Lemme guess," asked Squidward, "Some sort of dying animal?"

"Why, no," Bubble Bass responded, "I'm gonna order something simple just to see how badly you fuck it up!"

Bubble Bass started laughing, but soon grasped a hold of himself. "I'll take one five-dollar footlong."

"Heh… footlong," Squidward said to SpongeBob. A new job didn't change everything about Squidward. He still always has penises on the mind.

"Ya' know what would be better than a five-dollar footlong? A five foot footlong," Squidward murmured to SpongeBob.

The duo's constant talk of sex at the counter lead to SpongeBob getting a massive boner.

"One five foot footlong, cumming up!" SpongeBob said.

"Five foot footlong? That doesn't even make sens-"

Bubble Bass tried to point out the flaws in SpongeBob's logic, but it was too late. His five-foot long penis was already going right inside Bubble Bass's mouth. Bubble Bass tried to escape, but the penis was too long, and deep down, Bubble Bass liked it.

But something else was also deep down.

SpongeBob's penis in Bubble Bass's throat. Not long after the five-foot footlong made its debut, it had gone and choked Bubble Bass. Bubble Bass was dead.

"Oh no! We have to dispose of the body!" SpongeBob yelled.

"I have a plan," Squidward said. They got out a garbage bag, and shoved Bubble Bass inside, and buried it very deep underground.

"You know, accidentally killing people through what we love makes me feel kinda sad," SpongeBob admitted.

"Are you becoming emo?" Squidward grumpily asked.

SpongeBob and Squidward were now working at Hot Topic. The manager, Squilliam von Fancyson, stared at his old high school classmate and laughed.

"Well, Squiddy, I knew that your future was gonna be pathetic, but this? Ha! Being a lousy employee at this emo place just takes things to a new level!" Squilliam said. He continued laughing. "They always said that I shouldn't have been so rude or I'd be working for you, I knew they were always wrong. But this wrong?" Squilliam couldn't control himself.

"we're all wrong on the inside," SpongeBob said, now wearing a black shirt and somehow growing hair that covered one of his eyes.

Squidward was annoyed with how Squilliam was always laughing at him and SpongeBob had been making all these emo comments.

"Enough!" Squidward shouted. "Squilliam, you can go suck a dick! MY DICK!"

Squidward unleashed his penis, now 250 inches long, and it went straight into Squilliam's mouth. Squilliam couldn't handle that much cock. He too was soon dead.

They got Squilliam into a garbage bag and threw him in a dumpster.

"it's kinda sad how he's rotting in a dumpster now hey squidward" SpongeBob said.

"ENOUGH WITH BEING EMO!" Squidward shouted.

"Okay. I didn't like being emo anyway," SpongeBob replied. "But we've killed two people now! We're criminals!"

"Well, I know a way to make a lot of money as criminals," Squidward told his friend who was no longer emo.

Squidward and SpongeBob walked down a shady back alley. They approached a fish with a large trenchcoat.

"How much will it be?" Squidward asked.

"70 bucks," the fish said.

SpongeBob was confused. Why was Squidward spending money if their goal was to make money?

Squidward turned back around, now holding seeds of a sort.

"SpongeBob, we got the weed seeds. Time to enter the drug cartel," Squidward told him.

SpongeBob and Squidward were soon rich as fuck. They had sold so much weed, that they could probably buy Squilliam's house.

Of course, it wouldn't be too hard, because Squilliam was dead.

But still, SpongeBob and Squidward had a shocking realization. Although they sold a lot of weed, they had never smoked it.

"Hey SpongeBob, you know what time it is?" Squidward asked.

"What?" SpongeBob replied.

"4:20!" Squidward said, as he got out a huge bong and started putting their weed supply in it.

"Squidward, you can't do that! How will we make money if we smoke all our weed?" SpongeBob shouted.

"Who cares! In this nation, the rich get richer!" Squidward yelled. Squidward started smoking all the weed, and eventually convinced SpongeBob to join him as well. Rather than smoking a little weed every day, they smoked all the weed in one day. SpongeBob and Squidward were so stoned, they could hardly grasp what reality even was anymore.

"SpongeBob, why are there floating colors?" Squidward asked.

"I dunno Squiddy, maybe more weed will tell us!" SpongeBob replied.

They put more weed in their bongs until they fainted. When the two woke up, all the weed was gone, and reality and fantasy blurred together in their minds.

"It was good while it lasted, but now the weed is all gone. Looks like we're gonna have to get back to flipping burgers," Squidward replied.

Going back to the ol' Krusty Krab was pretty much the only choice. Mr. Krabs was the only person in town that would hire criminals like them. They were just going to have to convince Mr. Krabs to hire them back.

Squidward and SpongeBob walked back inside their old workplace. SpongeBob gave a good long glance at Mr. Krabs, and finally realized what was wrong. The hair! SpongeBob wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed before.

"That isn't Mr. Krabs!" SpongeBob shouted.

SpongeBob whacked the phony Mr. Krabs with his penis, revealing his true identity: Donald Trump, a shapeshifting demon who takes the form of rich businessmen to leech off their money until their businesses go bankrupt.

"Arrgh, you realized my true form!" Donald Trump shouted. "But good luck defeating me! I'm so filthy rich, I can do anything, including blocking all your attacks!"

SpongeBob and Squidward tried whacking the Donald with their dicks, but he was right. His hair kept absorbing their attacks. Each time they whacked him, his hair got bigger.

Donald Trump laughed, "There is no defeating me! Next thing you know, I will run this company bankrupt and steal all of its money, which I will then spend to become president!"

"Not if I can help it!" a familiar voice said.

SpongeBob and Squidward looked back. They couldn't believe it! It was Bubble Bass, returning to save their lives!

"How? I thought my penis killed you!" SpongeBob shouted.

"Nope, your penis was under my tongue the whole time!" Bubble Bass exclaimed. "That was the best sexual experience of my life, and now, I have to repay you."

"But how?" Squidward said.

"Like this!" Bubble Bass said. He opened his mouth, and his tongue extended until it was on top of Trump's hair. He took the hair, and hid it back under his tongue. Now, with his hair gone, Trump's weak spot was revealed.

SpongeBob and Squidward whipped out their dicks, and started attacking Trump with it. Trump was pathetic without his hair. Soon enough, they had killed Trump, sending him back where he came from. As Trump exploded, he left the blue Chaos Dildo where he stood. SpongeBob picked it up, and looked at Bubble Bass and Squidward.

"Wait, if that was Trump, then where's the real Mr. Krabs?" Squidward worried.

They ran into the manager office, and surely enough, found Mr. Krabs tied up. The three worked to untie him.

"Thanks, laddies, with Trump gone, I can take all the money to meself once more!"

Mr. Krabs, although a much better person than Trump, was still a greedy capitalist.

Due to how Bubble Bass saved their lives, he was soon invited into SpongeBob and Squidward's squad, in the case that they'd ever need his life-saving tongue again. They were glad to have a new member. It just meant new ways to fuck. And new ways to fuck meant new journeys ahead of them.


	9. The Squaradox Paradoxes

**Co-written by the long lost original author…. IAMASEXYMAN!**

SpongeBob, Squidward, and Bubble Bass were all away from the Krusty Krab.

"Where do you think the next Chaos Dildo will be, fuckbuddy?" SpongeBob asked Squidward.

"Hmm…" Squidward started thinking. He then remembered.

"We gotta go back! I remember there being the purple Chaos Dildo inside the freezer at the Krusty Krab!"

"But we're so far away! How will we get back?" Bubble Bass questioned.

"Well that's easy!" Squidward replied, "I have the best ride of all!" Squidward said as he whipped out his massive penis. SpongeBob and Bubble Bass loved that idea. Through riding Squidward's dick, the three were able to make it back to the Krusty Krab in no time.

"Gosh, Squidward, that was really fast. Reminds me of the time we had to use your dick to get across that giant gap, to get the Chaos Dildo. Remember thaaaat? When Patrick was theeere?" SpongeBob said.

It was a long time ago when SpongeBob, Squidward, Bubble Bass, and Patrick were all standing around on the other side of some gap, with a white Chaos Dildo over on the other side.

"We need to get that dildo," Patrick said. "Who knows who may need it in the future! I heard having all of those things can like, revive people."

"But how are we gonna get it when it's all the way over theeere?" SpongeBob asked, caressing his nipples in excitement.

"Gosh SpongeBob, I don't think I know for once," Squidward said, crestfallen. He looked down at his feet, away from everyone else.

"Don't be upset Squidward," SpongeBob said. He grabbed at Squidward's penis and it blew up a bit. He patted it a couple of times to comfort it.

"Wait! That's it! We can use his penis," Bubble Bass said. "I'm an expert at riding cock and have a degree in Dickology. We could use his dick to get across the gap and get that dildo!"

And so they all did such after milking Squidward's erected… tentacle.

Ohmy.

"Gee, I don't really remember that happening," Bubble Bass said in present time, exiting the flashback.

"I certainly do!" SpongeBob said.

Squidward was uncertain. "...I remember that, but I also don't."

"Oh Squidward, you can be forgetful, like that one time at the Krusty Krab when that one guy came in and asked us about that thing you told me to put into his sandwhich."

~FLASHBACK~

"Hey man what the hell is this in my sandwich and why is it so slimey?" asked a very rude fish customer to Squidward.

"I don't know. I take orders, not make them," Squidward snobbily replied as he kept reading his tentacle porn magazine.

"Then get the person who made this disgusting monstrosity out here right now!" the fish demanded.

"That'd be me!" SpongeBob said cheerfully as he walked out of the kitchen without any pants.

"Then would you mind telling me what THIS is in my sandwhich?" the fish asked, as he pulled out a cyan, magic dildo. "And why is it covered in crap?"

"Oops! I put the wrong dildo in there! That one's my lucky charm. I'd be so lost without it!" SpongeBob said as he took the dildo back. "Let me give you a replacement patty with a different dildo."

"W-would you really do that? For free?" the fish asked, flabbergasted.

"Of course! Just don't tell that capitalist pig Mr. Krabs!" SpongeBob replied cheerfully, giving the customer a new sandwhich he had somehow already made while talking.

~PRESENT~

"I didn't know they had a dildo sandwhich at the Krusty Krab!" Bubble Bass said in a pleasantly surprised voice. "Now I need to get one!"

"Well, we are heading there right now. I'm sure I could make you one even though Mr. Krabs turned out to be Donald Trump and all that," SpongeBob offered. "Ooh! That reminds me of the time I reserved a spot at a Donald Trump press conference and never went!"

~FLASHBACK~

"Aaaaand submit!" SpongeBob said as he clicked a button to submit his reservation on his computer. "Ooh look, a yellow dildo is just lying around on my computer desk! This is neat!"

~PRESENT~

"Uhhh, SpongeBob?" Squidward asked.

"Yes Squiddy?" SpongeBob asked.

"If any of these ever happened, then how come we don't have these dildos with us?" Squidward asked.

"Oops!" giggled SpongeBob. "I forgot to take them all out of my ass! I put them all in there for safekeeping. Silly me!"

SpongeBob plucked each dildo out one by one.

"Oh, so that was easier than expected," Bubble Bass said happily. "Now, how about the one we were supposed to find here?"

"Yeah, it's in the freezer!" Squidward said. "I just hope we don't get locked in there…"

"Haha, I remember that!" SpongeBob said cheerfully. "Maybe we can play another game of Truth or Square in there…"

"No," Squidward replied. "We don't need another shitty hour-long special where we do nothing but lie to the fanbase."

SpongeBob, Squidward, and Bubble Bass arrived at the Krusty Krab, and rushed into the freezer. The door locked behind them.

"Oh no!" Squidward shouted, "How will we ever escape?"

"Well if I remember correctly from my Dickology lessons, if you have all seven Golden Dildos, you can go Super Squidward and use your large penis to break us out of here!" Bubble Bass recalled.

Squidward looked around the room, and saw the purple Chaos Dildo up in the air vent. Using his long, 300 inch-long penis, he was able to get it down, and gather it with all the other Chaos Dildos. The Chaos Dildos reacted with Squidward, and turned him from normal Squidward, to Super Squidward! His penis, now 500 inches long and glowing, was prepared to send the door wide open.

But alas, even the power of all the Chaos Dildos combined was not enough to get them out of the freezer.

"God, damn it!" Squidward yelled, as he crawled into a fetal position. "Now we will have to do another shitty hour-long special if we ever want to get out again!

"Well, at least we have each other!" SpongeBob said as he started removing his pants.

"Wait a second…" Bubble Bass thought… He had an idea. He opened his mouth, and using his long tongue, which mind you, is only half as long as his penis, he hid the door under it, setting them free!

"Squidward! Open your eyes!" SpongeBob said. They looked ahead. Freedom! They ran out the door, and back home.

SpongeBob, carrying each Chaos Dildo in a different hole, removed them. The energy of the Chaos Dildos compressed, reforming the Golden Dildo! SpongeBob, Squidward, and Bubble Bass went upstairs, carrying the Golden Dildo, opening the door to Squidward's bedroom, only to be shocked by the sight they saw.

Patrick's penis had grown a new body.


	10. Time Travel

They stared at the new Patrick. His penis was still stuck in the bottle, but the rest of his body was still there. But they didn't need to worry. Bubble Bass licked around, using his spit as lube, and took the bottle off his penis. Now that Patrick was revived and freed, what would they be doing?

Fucking, of course!

"Oh, daddy! Fuck me harder!" Squidward shouted as Bubble Bass shoved his massive penis up Squidward's ass.

"But I thought you were my daddy!" Bubble Bass replied.

"We're both each others' daddies ;)," Squidward said.

Everything was wonderful, sexy, and wonderfully sexy until a giant rip in time opened up, revealing parallel versions of SpongeBob, Squidward, and Bubble Bass.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Patrick shouted. He was in BDSM gear, preparing to do some bondage with SpongeBob.

"We're here to condemn your existence," said the Squidward like figure, "I'm Squigina, and these are SpongeBoob and Bubble Ass. You're so-called 'special episodes' have been airing on television, and we're here to stop you from taking over the airwaves for any longer!"

"We had no idea!" said SpongeBob.

"Well we did!" responded Bubble Ass. "VIACOM created us to prevent any sex from showing up on our programs!"

"But if you guys are banning sex, then why do you have sex names?" asked Bubble Bass.

"It's so no one knows of our existence. And since you took over our show for a few episodes, now we have to make sure no one knows of yours!" SpongeBoob shouted. He placed his hands through the portal, and grabbed a fucking laser saw!

"Run!" Squidward shouted.

SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick, and Bubble Bass all started running away, with SpongeBoob, Squigina, and Bubble Ass following them. They ran across town, until the Terrible Trio stopped, noticing Mr. Krabs doing a strip-tease at the Krusty Krab!

"Arr-harr-harr-harr!" Mr. Krabs laughed, as all the naughty customers were making it rain, "Who knew getting money was this easy?"

Suddenly, the door crashed open, and SpongeBoob, Squigina, and Bubble Ass were all carrying laser saws, fucking DESTROYING Mr. Krabs. And not in a sexual way either.

Soon, Mr. Krabs was sliced to pieces, but in the time it took to kill him, SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Bubble Bass were all able to escape to Taco Haüs, the old, abandoned, Mexican-German restaurant. Inside they saw the time machine.

"Of course!" Squidward exclaimed. "We can use the time machine to go back, and prevent this all from ever happening!"

"But, won't it break up our wonderful relationship?" SpongeBob asked.

"Well, if we don't do this, we'll be dead!" Squidward yelled.

They weren't sure what to do. It was either sacrifice their most magical sexperience, or die. But as VIACOM's evil guards approached, there wasn't much of a choice. Squidward inserted the coin, and they were off.

"Drats!" Squigina shouted. "We're gonna have to use one of our time-bombs to escape this mess!"

Squigina placed a time bomb on the ground, and as it decimated, the remains of the Taco Haüs, as well as SpongeBoob, Squigina, and Bubble Ass, were all sent back in time.

Meanwhile in the other time machine, the quartet was experiencing some trippy visuals as a song full of sexual innuendos played in the background.

"Play with us before you melt! (Yeah!)

Everybody enjoy yourself! (Yeah!)

The best part is the middle of me! (Yeah!)

I'm your sponge baby, go on and squeeze. (Yeah!)

I'm softer than pillows, won't you believe me? (Yeah!)

Squeeze me.

Squeeze me til' I pop.

Squeeze me til' you drop."

It was another day in Bikini Bottom, and Squidward was playing his dildo clarinet. He removed it from his ass and begun to make horrid music with it. Outside, there was a loud crash, and a bang, so Squidward went to observe what was going on.

He looked outside, and saw alternate versions of himself, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Bubble Bass.

"What on earth is going on?" Squidward asked.

Suddenly another portal opened, revealing more alternate versions of SpongeBob, Squidward, and Bubble Bass, as well as the destroyed remains of Taco Haüs.

"You gotta help us!" the alternate Squidward shouted. "These guys are trying to kill us!"

Squidward stared at the alternate Squidward. Squidward wasn't sure if he could trust him. Maybe it was just because of penis envy. After all, the alternate Squidward's penis was at least 500 inches long.

Secretly, Squidward had never wanted to fuck himself more.

"I know! How about we turn this pile of shitty situations into a different kind of pile? An orgy pile!" Squidward said.

Alternate Squidward was relieved to know this Squidward loved sex just as much as him, even if his penis was only a measly ten inches long.

Squigina knew it was against his mission, but secretly, he was still a virgin, and wanted to experience the sex for himself. So eventually he, SpongeBoob, and Bubble Ass decided they would join in too.

Patrick's rock opened, revealing Patrick drinking a soda. He did a spit take as he saw at least two SpongeBobs taking off their pants, and three Squidwards putting on condoms, as well as another Patrick in BDSM gear, and two more Bubble Basses with big asses.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Patrick yelled.

"Come join the fun!" all the members of the orgy pile shouted.

"Alright! I didn't want to wear pants today anyway!" Patrick responded.

Alas, the umm… nonet? Anyway, whatever you'd call that, it was formed. All were glad, smiling and pantsless.

Well, all but one. SpongeBob looked in through the window. SpongeBob opened the door to see the humongous orgy pile.

"I can't believe it! All my best friends in the whole wide world are having sex without me!" he cried, and ran away.

The whole pile was upset.

"How will we solve this?" Squidward asked.

They all stared at the time machine, then back at each other.

After a brief amount of forced time travel later, they were back at the beginning, when the time travellers arrived at Squidward's house.

They eventually formed another orgy pile, but first, they had to do one thing. One of the Squidwards knocked on SpongeBob's door.

"Hello!" Squidward said. "How would you like to join our orgy pile?"

SpongeBob quickly took off his pants, and landed on the pile. For the sole purpose of who cares, they went back in time three more times, and soon enough the pile was over five times its original size.

It truly was an orgy pile.

But one of the Bubble Basses had a sudden realization, "Wait a second, with all this time travel and all, wouldn't we be seeing some paradoxes by now?"

Suddenly parts of Bikini Bottom started disappearing. The entire orgy pile got into the time machine and aimed it for who knows where.

The opened the door. Outside the door was a blank, white void, with a few colorful tiles.

They were in the middle of nowhere.


	11. Echoing Dicks

All the members of the orgy pile looked around the room, and back at each other. There were about 49 members of the pile. One of the SpongeBobs lifted up a purple tile on the floor.

As it was lifted, it echoed "Dicks, dicks, dicks dicks…"

"I mean, it isn't wrong," said a Squidward, "There are 49 dicks in here."

"You may want to make that 68," a SpongeBob said. Underneath the purple tile were 19 more assorted SpongeBobs, Squidwards, Patricks, and Bubble Basses. They all joined in on the orgy pile.

"How did you get here anyway?" a Bubble Bass asked.

"We were working on time traveling and ended up here," a Squidward responded.

"You mean, this is some sort of time hell for anyone who dares to time travel for sex?" a Squidward clone from the first 49 said.

"Yep," the other Squidward responded. So the Orgy pile was an absolute mess. And they all fucked each other. All at once. Somehow, each person in the pile was able to fuck everyone else in the pile.

Yet, something felt missing.

"What's the deal with only 68," a Patrick said, "my endless lust demands a sixty-ninth person join this pile!"

"That's the sex number!" another Patrick laughed.

The two Patricks started searching the lost dimension, until they noticed a blur in the distance. They were amazed at what they saw.

"SpongeBobs! Squidwards! Bubble Basses and Patricks!" the two shouted.

"What?" everyone responded in unison.

"We found a sixty-ninth person for our orgy pile!"

"Oh, puh-lease. We're in the middle of nowhere! I mean, we're practically alone!" a Squidward shouted, "Are you sure it wasn't just another tile?"

"Positive," a Patrick replied.

They all walked up to the mysterious figure, yet only a SpongeBob recognized it once away. "Gary?" he questioned.

"Meow." Gary said.

Suddenly, Gary walked up to the orgy pile. "Meow," he spoke once more.

The Gary revealed his legs, complete with his well-tied shoes. Then, something appeared between them. And by god, it was one of the biggest penises they had ever seen.

Patrick was ready for a good fucking. He walked up to Gary, and situated his ass on the snail's penis. And boy, did Gary fuck hard. After a few minutes, Gary had banged Patrick so hard, he flew off into the void, and exploded. The explosion sent off a few tiles flying, all of which echoed sexual phrases, as they flew off. Gary proceeded to do this to all but four, one SpongeBob, one Squidward, one Patrick, and one Bubble Bass.

"Please don't hurt us!" Patrick shouted.

"SILENCE!" Gary demanded, "I have spared you four. The originals. I know the way out of here, but sixty-nine would be too much for the portal to take. Imagine it as a mouth sucking a dick. Sure, you want to suck a lot of dick, but only so much of it can fit in your mouth at once. Besides, any more time paradoxes and we may as well just be back in this void."

In order to return them to Bikini Bottom, Gary then unleashed a magical glow from his penis, ripping a hole through space-time.

"This way to Bikini Bottom," he said.

And just like that, they were back. Old home, Bikini Bottom. But something was different. Plankton had taken over. And he had banned same-sex relationships.


	12. Conversion Therapy

Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick, Bubble Bass, and Gary were all in the line for therapy. It wasn't just them. Many, many Bikini Bottomites were in there. It was a surprisingly gay city, and I don't mean that in the happy way.

"NEXT!" the therapist shouted. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy entered the room.

"I guess this is it, old chum," Mermaid Man said, "Our endless love will have to die under the control of this new… EVIL LEADER!"

Barnacle Boy tried to calm him down, but Mermaid Man couldn't stop going on, "EVIL! EVIL!" he shouted.

"So I guess this is the end," SpongeBob said. He and Squidward held hands, possibly for the last time, with Patrick, and Bubble Bass joining in. Gary simply had his foot touched by Patrick.

"Meow," Gary claimed.

"NEXT!" the therapist shouted.

Fred walked in. As he kept denying the therapist's requests, eventually, the therapist had to resort to plan B. He pulled out a saw.

"MY LEG! MY BEAUTIFUL THIRD LEG!" Fred was screaming.

The squad still had a way to go, so for one last time….

Everyone was slipping off their clothes. And Squidward, whipping out his 750 inch-long penis, enjoyed a jolly old time, fucking his buddies, perhaps for the last time. The floor may had been covered in cum, and as the memory would stick in their heads, much like how the cum had stuck to the floor. A few more people had wanted to join in on that orgy, admittedly, yet none of them were willing to, worrying that Plankton may have been spying on them.

"NEXT!" the therapist shouted. They all held hands, and entered the room.

The therapist turned around, only for he and the group alike to be surprised.

"Dr. Peter Lankton?" SpongeBob shouted.

"Enough with the disguises!" Peter Lankton shouted, as he revealed who he truly was: Plankton.

"Why are you trying to ban same-sex relationships?" Bubble Bass asked. "We need answers!"

"ENOUGH!" Plankton shouted. "I'm here to let you in on a secret. The mayor isn't actually me. It's-"

"An impostor!" Gary shouted.

"Correct," said Plankton, "I'm actually fine with same-sex relationships, but I figured that I could disguise myself as a conversion therapist to create a safe haven for gay couples."

"But how come you were sawing off that one dude's penis?" Patrick asked.

"I wasn't! I had made a wooden sculpture of him, but accidentally included three legs on it. I wanted it to be made in his perfect image, so I tried sawing one off, but it didn't rub so well with him…" Plankton admitted.

"Ah. That makes perfect sense," SpongeBob said with a smile.

"Well how are we going to stop the impostor?" Squidward asked.

"Well, the Mayor's office is heavily secured," Plankton noted, "So we're going to need some heroes."

"Did somebody say 'hero'?" Mermaid Man said.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy entered the room. SpongeBob and Patrick were amazed.

"Mermaid Man!" SpongeBob shouted.

"Barnacle Boy!" Patrick screamed. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy were SpongeBob Patrick's favorite superheroes.

"May I have your autograph?" Patrick asked.

"Not now!" Mermaid Man claimed, "There is a terrible… terrible… EVIL!"

"Well we can't just go charging head first," Gary postulated, "We're going to need a strategy if we plan to take down the guards."

SpongeBob and Squidward walked up to the building, holding hands. They slowly got together but then they kissed. The guards pointed their guns. But luckily enough, they had Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, Patrick, and Bubble Bass out back. Gary was resting, being the one who had strategized the whole plan. He needed a break.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy lead a fair charge, but they had one issue. They were still too old, and it wasn't serving them well. The guards were much younger and tougher, and while Bubble Bass and Patrick were strong, they were pretty slow. The guards were being replaced, and quickly were outnumbering the resistance. But Barnacle Boy had one last secret weapon. He took off his pants, revealing a penis which could even put Squidward's to shame. The guards were all so amazed by Barnacle Boy, since secretly, they were all gay as well.

"They don't call me Barnacle Boy for nothing!" Barnacle Boy said.

"I thought they called you that because you scraped barnacles off the back of a boat?" Patrick questioned.

"Why do you think I was given that position?" Barnacle Boy seductively noted.

_**FUN SCIENCE FACT:**_Barnacles have the biggest penis in proportion to their bodies, having a penis up to fifty times the size of their body! Now you know something!

Anyway, back to writing.

While all the guards were distracted, Plankton and Bubble Bass went inside the Mayor's office.

"Plankton!" said the impostor.

"Impostor!" said Plankton.

"What the FUCK are you doing in my office?" the impostor shouted.

"We're here to save Bikini Bottom!" Bubble Bass said.

"Well I felt like I was doing a pretty good job, by getting rid of those nasty gays, once and for all!"

The impostor laughed. He was disgusting.

Luckily, they had backup. SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick, Mermaid Man, and Gary all entered.

"Ha! No matter, I still have the death ray to beat you!" the impostor declared as he prepared his death ray. However, they had an army. The thousands of gays Plankton protected came, and destroyed the impostor's death ray. Then, Bubble Bass sent them all aside as he had one last test.

"It's time we find out who this villain really is," Bubble Bass declared. The rest of the town was hooting with excitement.

Bubble Bass stuck out his tongue, and hid the impostor's disguise under it. It was no other than Republican candidate Ted Cruz!

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Cruz claimed.

Everyone stared at Cruz, before Gary kicked him out of town with his big boots.

"Who could've guessed! I can't believe we've taken down two horrible Republican candidates!" SpongeBob declared.

Secretly, Old Man Jenkins, who was actually John Kasich, was in hiding. "I knew I should've chosen a better day to invade Bikini Bottom!" he proclaimed.

Afterwards, a party was declared in SpongeBob's honor, and Mermaid Man, afterwards, retired from being a superhero, and became the town's mayor, with the First Man, Barnacle Boy.

After such an eventful day, SpongeBob had a confession. He walked up to Squidward, and held out a box. "Squidward," SpongeBob whispered. He opened the box, revealing a beautiful diamond ring. "Will you marry me?" SpongeBob asked.


	13. The Manlorette Party

Now of course, Squidward and SpongeBob were planning on getting married. But they couldn't get married before holding a Manlorette Party! Squidward of course, invited SpongeBob, Patrick, and Bubble Bass you know, for seriously sexy times. Gary, on the other hand, left, leaving a trail of something other than slime...

Of course, it didn't end there, Squidward had everyone in town to invite! And everyone came. In more ways than one, of course, upon seeing the pantsless cephalopod. "Who's ready for an orgy?" Squidward shouted. Everyone in the room cheered. And so Squidward whipped out his penis, longer than it had ever been, and everyone started riding it. It was, indeed, long enough for everyone to ride. SpongeBob was on the other end, being fucked by the huge dick flinging him around. SpongeBob let out his signature laugh. Everyone was having a good time.

Squidward, of course, brought plenty of weed, since in this alternate timeline, he hadn't smoked it yet. Squidward let everyone get some weed and become high af.

"Gee, Squiddy! I wasn't expecting a Manlorette Party this wild!" SpongeBob giggled.

"Anything for my soon to be husband!" Squidward replied.

SpongeBob blushed. So did Squidward.

Squidward decided he had to make the party even more wild. He called a bunch of Jellions from the Jellyfish Planet to use their huge mouths to help suck everyone in town's dick. It turned the Manlorette Party out of this world! However, they exploded when they came into contact with Squidward's "secret mayonnaise."

"So much for that part of the party," Squidward said.

Squidward, however, had more plans. For example, Party Games!

He got out Twister, or as its alternative name is known, Sex in a Box. And boy, was it sexy. Soon instead of being "right foot on red" it was "right boob in left hand" or "penis in ass."

They also played Monopoly, but they gave up when they saw the sexy stripper Bubble Bass and made it rain over him.

With Monopoly Money.

Patrick had an idea. "I call it: Patrick! The Sex Game!"

After his original game, "Fuck the Bottle," was a failure, he decided to try something new: combining all his favorite sex games into the most sexy of activities. Everyone got in a circle and played. Bubble Bass drew a card. "Have sex with the player to your left." He looked at SpongeBob. SpongeBob, with a huge smile, accepted.

Soon "Patrick! The Sex Game" devolved into a huge orgy, but it didn't matter, because it was a Manlorette Party.

A slow song came on the boombox, and SpongeBob decided it was time to admire the most beautiful thing he remembered.

"This is a skill I learned back in New Kelp City," SpongeBob said. He created a bottle of his cum, dipped in his bubble wand, and blew a huge, beautiful cum bubble. He stuck his dick inside, and soon everyone else followed. Except for one person, who stuck in a needle.

"So, old fuckbuddy," said a familiar stranger.

Squidward looked at the man.

"Howard?" Squidward asked.

"That's right," said Howard, "It's me, your ol' fuckbuddy. Remember all the great sex we had together?"

"Well, yea, but"

"And you betrayed me for someone else? How could you?"

Howard broke into tears, seeing his ex-fuckbuddy with someone else.

"Wait!" said another familiar voice.

"I'll be your fuckbuddy!"

Howard turned around, and saw someone else.

"I have something to admit... I'm a virgin."

The voice who said that. Was Squilliam Fancyson.


End file.
